My friend called me yesterday and asked me why i haven’t been blogging lately. I’ve got all kinds of excuses. I get pretty disoriented after returning from a trip like the recent one in Wisconsin. I still feel like i’m finding my feet. I’ve been working with factor7agency on developing the new site (how do you like it?) So, i’ve been focused on that instead of blogging. But, deep down, i’ve been afraid.

I walked with Jesus through the woods a few days ago. I go there for the peace. My eyes can finally stretch and breathe when all they see is what their Maker made. The trees are not in conflict with me; at least not to the degree that men conflict with one another. The knowledge that no is watching relaxes the guard of my heart and my secrets begin to trickle out like the stream i crossed. I find myself speaking freely with my God, and He with me.

He began teaching me about the spirit of fear:

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

The spirit of fear opposes everything that God HAS given me. It tries to rob and sabotage my enjoyment of God’s gifts.

sound mind: God has given us a spirit of soundness of mind. Moderation. Self control. The spirit of fear attempts to rob our soundness of mind, confuse our thoughts, provoke us to doubt our discernment, and even our sanity. Fear tells us that we can’t control our thoughts. Fear tells us that our thoughts control us. But God has given me a spirit that can control my thoughts. This is the good kind of thought control!

These days, i wake up nearly every day thinking about sad things that have happened. I think back through scenarios, wondering what i could have done differently, wondering if i could have avoided hurting people. I feel the sorrow and the loss and the impossibility of it all. It weighs on me. I have done all that i know to do: confessed my sins, asked forgiveness, sought to make peace, received forgiveness... but still the thoughts cycle... a Mobius strip... an endless loop.

Who is in control of these thoughts? Me? Or is it fear?

It seeks to bully me, and force me to resign to the infinite impossible sorrow of things passed by. And i can let it. Or, i can take hold of what God has given me: the spirit of a sound mind. I can take my thoughts captive, bring them to Christ, allow Him to renew my mind, and determine to enjoy the clarity of the mind of Christ which has been given me. It is easier, takes less energy, to allow oneself to be bullied. One must muster strength, rise up, exert power to overcome the fearful spirit.

to be continued...